ST:TNG Episode Summary: 11001001
Religion and politics bore me. Let’s talk about Star Trek. Here’s a summary of a (I think) first season episode, which I wrote about five years ago:
Picard: Captain’s log. We’re docking at a spacestation to repair this ship. This scene will remind viewers of a similar scene in “Star Trek 3: The Search for Spock”. More astute viewers will wonder why spacestations haven’t changed in the 75 years since then.
Geordi: Docking beams attached, sir. Our analogy with sea-going vessels is complete.
Riker: That was hard!
Picard: Everyone give yourself a big pat on the back. That’s the most action we’ve seen since this series began.
Gay-Looking Aliens: We are binars. We’re linked into computers or something. I heard someone say once that computers work on binary, which consists of 0s and 1s. We’ve got something to do with that.
Picard: Go stand next to Wesley. You make him look straight.
Acting Ensign Wesley Crusher (AEWC): I’m an Ensign!
Tasha: I’m going ashore to play futuristic dodgeball!
Worf: I’ll come with. It will give me a chance to showcase my Klingon-ness.
Dr. Crusher: I’m going to go talk to a famous scientist no one has ever heard of.
Picard: I’m going to sit in my quarters and act French.
Riker: I guess I’ll just wander the ship. Hey, there’s Data and Geordi!
Data: I’m painting. This makes me more human, which I want to be.
Riker: Keep working with him, Geordi. Keeping you two together for a while may be a useful plot device.
Gay-Looking Aliens: Hey Riker, we made your holodeck better. Check it out, you can simulate chicks now.
Riker: Cool! I’ll stay here for a while and, uh, test the program.
Picard: I’m tired of acting French. I think I’ll go to the holodeck. Oops, sorry Riker. I didn’t mean to interrupt. I hope you were planning on cleaning that mess up before leaving the holodeck for the next user.
Minuet: I’m a hot holodeck chick. You should both stay here and let me divert your attention for a while.
Picard and Riker: Okay.
Meanwhile, outside the holodeck…
Data: Data to Acting Ensign Wesley Crusher. The ship is about to blow up. Are those gay little aliens doing something I should know about?
AEWC: I’m an Ensign!
Data: I better ask the Captain what to do. Data to Picard. Hmm no answer.
Geordi: That usually works.
Data: I’m fresh out of ideas. Let’s evacuate the ship and eject it outside of the spacestation and far away from us.
…but inside the holodeck…
Picard: Well, time for me to be hittin’ the ole dusty trail.
Minuet: Don’t go yet, I’m not through diverting your attention.
Picard: Hey, she’s trying to divert our attention.
Riker: Let’s go!
Picard: Oh crap! The ship is on red alert, totally empty, and flying god-knows-where.
Riker: Kind of like this show.
Picard: Exactly. Let’s set the ship to self destruct. The clips from that totally unnecessary scene can be used to make this episode look exciting in a commercial.
Gay-Looking Aliens: Argh, we’re dying. We downloaded a huge file to your ships hard drive. You must copy that file back to the big computer on our planet.
Picard: Okay, what’s the filename?
Gay-Looking Aliens: pfshhhhhhhhhhh……
Picard: No problem, I’ll just open Windows Explorer, then search for large files. After all, it is taking up most of our hard drive space…
Riker: Let’s go ask the chick on the holodeck!
Picard: Good idea!
Minuet: I don’t know that file name, except that it’s in binary.
Riker: Awesome! Now all we need to do is try every possible binary number. How long can that take?
Picard: Not long when the writers don’t know crap about computers.
Gay-Looking Aliens: You saved us!
Picard: Yes, but there’s a $5 fine for stealing the flagship of the United Federation of Planets.
AEWC: I’m an Ensign!
Everyone: ha ha ha ha!
