What if God had a Ph.D.?

¹In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth. ²And the earth was without form, and void; and darkness was upon the face of the deep. And the Spirit of God came in to the office around 10 for it was Monday. ³And God said, Let me first google myself and see how many hits I get.⁴And God saw the number of hits, that it was good: and God did spend that afternoon reading the internet. ⁵And God called it a day at 4, for he had errands to run. And the evening and the morning were the first day.

⁶And God said, Let me first answer these emails, for surely they are great in number. ⁷And God read emails from colleagues and made the responses to them eloquently and oft were they biting: and it was so. ⁸And God called a meeting of his research staff to discuss the upcoming creation deadline. And the evening and the morning were the second day.

⁹And God said, I have still five days in which to complete the universe, which is plenty of time.¹⁰And God started a PowerPoint briefing and he called it “Methods and Apparatus for the Construction of the Entirety of Space, Time, and Matter”: and God saw that it was good. ¹¹And God said, Let us begin on this in earnest first thing tomorrow morning: and it was so. ¹²And God did take a two hour lunch and leave the office early: and God saw that it was good. ¹³And the evening and the morning were the third day.

¹⁴ On the fourth day God said, Let there be light: and there was light. ¹⁵And when God was about to divide the light from the darkness he was reminded that he had many papers to review before the end of the day. ¹⁶ And God did spend the afternoon reviewing papers. ¹⁷And, lo, he wrote scathing reviews of many papers, for they were not good. ¹⁸ When God had finished his reviews, which were good, he realized it was time to leave. ¹⁹And the evening and the morning were the fourth day.

²⁰On the fifth day did God begin to panic, for he had but three days in which to finish the project. ²¹And God divided the light from the darkness. ²²And God called the light Day, and the darkness he called Night.  And God informed his research staff that they would be working through the Night which he had created, for the firmament work surely had stalled. ²³And the evening and the morning were the fifth day.

²⁴And God said, Let us come back to the firmament later: and it was so. ²⁵And that morning God made the waters and the dry land, and the waters gathered he unto one place which one of his assistants called “seas” and God said it was good enough. ²⁶And God was eating lunch at his desk when he realized the light he created yesterday did not have a source.

²⁷And God berrated his research staff and said Let there be lights in the firmament of the heaven to divide the day from the night; and let them be for signs, and for seasons, and for days, and years:  ²⁸And by them did God realize that it was very late in the fifth day. ²⁹And that night God created the birds of the air, the fish of the sea, and every creeping thing that creepeth under the sun.  ²⁹And God was very tired and vowed never again to let deadlines creep up on him in this way.

³⁰And on the seventh day God cancelled his day of rest for he had much yet to do. ³¹And God said, I must still make man in our image, after our likeness: and let them have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the fowl of the air, and over the cattle, and over all the earth, and over every creeping thing that creepeth upon the earth. ³²And while God toiled on man he did receive an email notification that the deadline had  been extended, lo, another seven days.

¹Thus the heavens and the earth were nearly finished, and all the host of them. ²And on the seventh day God left early for he had plenty of time now to finish. ³And God blessed the seventh day, and sanctified it: because that in it he had received an extension.

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